Opps!

by Mr. David R. Dorrycott

Private Starship Star Diamond slid rapidly away from Melanie's planet headed out to her next port, a small planet with a big ecological problem (and a surplus of credit.) Aboard standard chores were being completed, the newly obtained nanny Yuki was learning both the ship and her charges, self-aware probes were being assigned to monitor the new greenhouse, and Snowaters was slowly leafing through the huge pile of mail they had picked up.

No matter how long the Diamond remained at a port, a few hours or years, the mail always piled up. Snowy liked it this way, even trash mail was saved (it made excellent raw mass) as long travel times could be broken by the reading, and replying to letters sent as long as a hundred years ago. Then there were the packages, all sizes, shapes and contents. Those with perishable goods were opened first, the others (often with expensive gifts and offers of marriage) were left for much later.

Idly reading a thank you note from someone the tiny woman yawned, rubbing her eyes. "How many this time" she asked, seemingly to no one.

<Twenty seven. Letters. Three packages.> came the reply.

"How many were probably innocent gifts" she asked, staring up at the huge silver ball that had drifted into the messroom.

<One.> Kalith answered. <All others. Childish attempts.>

Snowaters shook her head. When would the would-be-assassins learn that every item that entered her ship was checked, checked by systems better than most planets normally used. Closing the note she carefully added it to the 'answer within a week' pile. "What were they?" she asked, sorting through the mess for another non-business letter.

<E-boli letter. Three. Ting virus. One. Letter Bomb. Six. Animal Protean. One. Nigh Crystal...>

"Hold it" Snowy ordered. “The Animal Protean, package or letter?"

<Package. One. Shoofly pie. Milk Chocolate coated. Pretzels.>

"Ow" the Diamonds owner replied. "I'd pass the pie, but that chocolate.... Was it intentional? If it was, send a reply."

<Negative. Gift. Return Address. Accurate.>

"Notified the police?"

<Affirmative. Requested. Investigation. Only. No charges.>

"Fine" the tiny woman decided, pulling a rather fat (and slightly lumpy) envelope out of the pile. Tearing it open she discovered a rather colorful child created letter. "Ah" she smiled, "These are always nice." Looking up at the being before her, it's 'skin' now showing a map of the planet they had just left she winked. "Let me know what they report, and tell the children to come in here."

<Acknowledged.>

* * * * *

Back on the planet Gary Miller was answering a knock at his door. Opening it, he found himself staring at a badge. "Detective Trish M'Kih" a woman’s voice informed him. "You shipped a package to PSS STAR DIAMOND?"

Slowly pushing the badge aside he found himself looking into the deepest blue eyes he'd ever seen on a lemur. "Yes, a present for Snowaters. Is there a problem?" he asked.

"Probably not" the woman replied. "May I come in Mr. Miller? I do not have a warrant."

Gary thought about it, he was in his rights to refuse. But his son was asleep, his wife still at jury duty and honestly any chance to talk with another adult was to be leapt at. "All right" he answered, holding to door open. "Please do come in, and what is the problem?"

Trish stepped in, quickly giving the house a once over, what she could see of it. "Nice" she commented, "Better than what I grew up in." Quietly she took the chair Gary offered, slipping her badge into her purse as she sat. "Your son's asleep?" she asked.

"Yes" Gary answered. "And my..."

"Tana is sequestered in Jury Duty, nasty work" Trish finished. She looked at the human, "I checked your families records before I came" she said, answering the unasked question. "I volunteered for this one, better than that fat slob Parker." She smiled again. "I'm just here to ask a couple of questions, then I should be out of your life."

Gary sat across from the policewoman, confused. 'What could possibly interest the police in his gift' he wondered. "Okay, do I need a lawyer?"

Trish shook her head, "You shouldn't, but if you feel like you need one I strongly request you call one right now." Her eyes twinkled in the rooms light, "But honestly, your not accused of anything. Let me explain first, before you say anything. Okay?"

Gary nodded, it seemed fair enough. "Go ahead."

"All right" the detective replied. "We received a notice of a low probability murder attempt against the Diamonds owner. Actually, the Diamond logged twenty-nine actual attempts, one low probability." She pointed at the human. "You're the low probability. It's common knowledge that whenever that rust-bucket stops anywhere, half the assassins within a dozen light years pop up." She stopped, taking a notebook out of a breast pocket. "Met your wife, she's nice people. Are you aware that animal protean of any type is a deadly poison to Lady Snowaters?"

"gah.. No" Gary answered. “I've never heard of such a reaction before, is it common with her race?"

"Not to my knowledge, the medico's told me she's 'The Ultimate A negative lifeform', whatever that means. What was the package, and why did you send it?"

"Shoofly pie and chocolate coated pretzels" Gary replied. "She missed a mutual friends wedding, B.J. Bunny? I sent them so she'd know some of what she missed. I certainly wouldn't have sent them had I known."

Trish nodded, closing her notepad. Gary heard a distinct metallic click and knew he'd been had. "Portable lie detector?" he asked.

"Mmm Yes, something like that." Trish answered, slipping the camouflaged device back in her breast pocket. "I'm satisfied it was an honest mistake and if I am the Diamond will be." She stood, handing a thin business card to the human. "I have to send a report to the Diamond, if there's something you want to say to them give me a call at my desk before midnight."

Stepping to the front door she paused, looking the human up and down a moment. "You uhhh... wouldn't... ummm.... Happen to have a single brother... Would you?" she asked.