Never Trust A Cat
By Mr. David R. Dorrycott
.
First a note of explanation. This all started back in the March 1994 issue, where S. Minstrel & family discovered their dear darling Emma had been kidnaped. The kidnappers, identifying themselves as the 'ABHA' demanded that Snowaters meet them on the planet WILDHAWK on the date (?time?) of 4545.80. Being already involved and unable to comply, Snowy supplied the Minstrel with a ship, which they used to attempt to save the android, known simply as Phileana, before her (previous timeline) death. Minstrel and Figure M arrive at one of the Klippers numerous transportation rooms just as the event they had come to stop... occurred.
Before the Minstrel's eyes the event he had come so far to avoid... occurred. Phileana, the dispersed android teddy bear.. was dispersed again.
While the original timeline Figure M started arguing with the Klippers computer Minstrel shooed 'his' Figure M back to the waiting car.
"is notz Pie-lee-nah we getz?" asked the two dimensional cartoon character, obviously confused over what had occurred.
Hushing the confused character Minstrel punched in the code to open the airlock.
Nothing happened.
He punched in the code again.
The door whirred, clicked, popped, and shuddered. A thin wisp of smoke drifted up from the control panel.
Growling deep in his chest, he kicked the door.
A howling scream resounded along the Klippers corridors as Minstrel discovered that multi-layer dutronium armor wasn't about to give way to fragile flesh.
The door remained stubbornly closed.
M walked up to the door, looked at it, then carefully pulled it open with one finger.
"Goze ins Popz" he said, carefully studying 'Popz' new one footed dance style, not to mention the strange magical words he was currently using.
Minutes passed as the dance continued until, finally certain his spell was complete, the Minstrel slowly hobbled towards the open hatch. M followed behind, carefully pulling the heavy door closed behind them.
A soft click was heard as the hatch lock engaged.
Staggering to his ship, strangely formed in the shape of a 1965 Buick Skylark, complete with rust spots, dings, and partial repairs he jerked open the drivers door and flopped in.
"Ittookyoulongenough" said the plump little teddybear in the passengers seat.
Minstrel took it like any Overlord of Time and Space should.
He screamed.
"How?" he managed to ask, after stopping long enough to breath.
"Yourstrangeshiphasmanycapabilities" she answered. "Itreplacedmyrealbodywithadummy, andbroughtmehere."
"O-day Popz, gotz Pie-Leah-nah, getz sis now?" M asked.
Minstrel hung his head. Between the android's single word sentences, M's cracked speech, his raw vocal cords and not to forget his poor foot, it was more than he could stand. Without another word he shut the door, buckled in, started the engines, and backed out.
His starcar promptly stopped as it crashed into the airlocks outer door.
"Letmehelp" Phileana said. Reaching over she tapped a series of buttons on the dash.
Alarms sounded as air was reclaimed. In moments the outer door slid away.
Pressing the accelerator pedal to the firewall, Minstrel exited the open bay. With a scream of abused rubber the starcar swung around. There was a grinding of gears, a roar from the engine and in a cloud of blue-white rubber smoke the ancient vehicle headed for the planet WILDHAWK.
Several minutes later Minstrel looked over at the comely little teddybear sitting next to him. "Must you always speak in one word sentences?" he asked, trying not to cut his tongue as he spoke, for he had ground several years worth of enamel from his teeth.
Phileana smiled, then licked her lips. Taking a deep breath she looked around, taking in the ragged interior, Figure M, Kujo, and the faded ACME MULTIVERSAL emblem on the steering wheel. "No" she answered, her voice sounding like crystal elfen bells. "Not if I think before I speak, But I have to think about it." She smiled as she held up a battered owners manual. "This is quite a vehicle you have. Mistress Snowaters must have paid dearly for it."
"'ZGotz stuffz ritz?" M asked. "Not deadz now? Getz sis?"
"We're tracking down my kidnapped daughter" Minstrel explained, "You were the best choice, but your dead, so we had to... do things." He handed her a large envelope. "Here's everything we know."
The teddy bears eyes widened a moment. "I am then a paradox?" she asked, "This is quite ... unsettling." She opened the envelope, quietly examining everything she found within. Finally stuffing everything back into it she re-sealed the envelope and handed it to M.
"Well, will you help us?" Minstrel asked.
"Yes. In payment for my life I will aid you" she answered. "However, you will not find your daughter on Wildhawk, nor anywhere in that system."
"werze sis?" asked M.
Phileana tapped a button, activating a holographic starmap between her and Minstrel. She pointed to a small red dwarf several degrees below their current course. "The Armadillo Bounty Hunters Association maintains their one, and only base here. On the second planet they have named 'Alamo.' Your Emma will most likely be somewhere on its surface." She tapped another button and the starcar changed direction, heading down and left of its original course. "We might as well sleep some" she suggested. "Even at this vehicles speed, it is several hours to our destination. If you do not mind, I shall take a short nap. I may need the rest." In seconds she was quiet, her head resting on the tattered door beside her, her breath drifting to that shallow level found only in the deepest sleep.
Minstrel flipped on the cruse control, taking a moment to stretch.
"iz cute hunz Popz?" M asked, reaching out to touch the androids soft fur.
"Yes, but I don't think you mother would approve" Minstrel answered, searching for a comfortable position, "She's way to old for you."
Kujo woolfed as M slumped.
"Aww popzzz" M muttered, "Izz knozzzz dat. Zides... shez likes Kester an-waze."
Unseen by any of the three, a soft smile passed over Phileana's parted lips as she dreamed of another, a four legged other, who she still hoped one day to capture.